Time I Had Some Time Alone
I'm sitting in a hotel room in Columbia (MO, not South America) waiting for my nails to dry. I'm wearing a bathrobe and my hair is wet. I've been reading, meaning I now have eyestrain and the beginnings of a headache.
I wish my husband were here.
But I'm also a little glad he's not.
I just need some quiet. Some time when I don't have to be anything. I can just exist and not worry about the effect my existence has on anyone else.
It feels so surreal to be here. I wanted to come, but now that I'm here, I want to be home. Where things are familiar, where I know every noise and every crack in the wall and every draft.
Maybe I just don't want to be alone because when I'm alone here, away from home, it feels like I don't really exist.
Shit, I have to go pick him up in another couple of hours. I forgot that by the time he was ready for me to come get him, it would be dark. My night vision is really starting to suck ass, and I don't know where I'm going here, really. And I'm driving his parents' car. Fuckin' A. It's not like I won't be able to make it, but it's a little nerve wracking.
I miss my son. I'd call him, but I'm 100% certain I wouldn't be allowed to talk to him.
I miss everyone and everything that make me real. Ben, Bob, my stuff, my dog. Alone in a strange town in a generic hotel room...I could be anyone. Or no one at all.
Damn, I'm tired. But as soon as I go to sleep, Ben will call and need me to come get him.
Maybe I'll try the pool again--surely all those parents and kids will be eating dinner by now, right?
I wish my husband were here.
But I'm also a little glad he's not.
I just need some quiet. Some time when I don't have to be anything. I can just exist and not worry about the effect my existence has on anyone else.
It feels so surreal to be here. I wanted to come, but now that I'm here, I want to be home. Where things are familiar, where I know every noise and every crack in the wall and every draft.
Maybe I just don't want to be alone because when I'm alone here, away from home, it feels like I don't really exist.
Shit, I have to go pick him up in another couple of hours. I forgot that by the time he was ready for me to come get him, it would be dark. My night vision is really starting to suck ass, and I don't know where I'm going here, really. And I'm driving his parents' car. Fuckin' A. It's not like I won't be able to make it, but it's a little nerve wracking.
I miss my son. I'd call him, but I'm 100% certain I wouldn't be allowed to talk to him.
I miss everyone and everything that make me real. Ben, Bob, my stuff, my dog. Alone in a strange town in a generic hotel room...I could be anyone. Or no one at all.
Damn, I'm tired. But as soon as I go to sleep, Ben will call and need me to come get him.
Maybe I'll try the pool again--surely all those parents and kids will be eating dinner by now, right?
posted by Mitzi Green at 6:42 PM
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