Managing
I got my semi-weekly email from a certain job hunting website today, and noticed a new posting. It seems one of the super-big firms in town is in the market for someone to supervise and coordinate their staff. That's been my Holy Grail since I started working in law firms (and moreso since I decided practicing law wasn't my cup of tea), so I uploaded my resume and cover letter and clicked "send."
Now I'm panicking, because if the stars all align just right and the unthinkable happens and they actually (gasp) call me in for an interview, I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to sell myself as the right person for the job, because I feel like I'm doing a piss poor job of managing my own life at the moment.
Consider the facts. I get up every morning and (barely) manage to get the fat kid dressed and out the door with his father, and the skinny kid and myself out the door with our respective lunches and drugs and permission slips and things to mail and other accoutrements. That's about as good as it gets for the day, assuming we get to our respective places with almost everything intact. Once I get to work, my give-a-shit level sinks to an unprecedented low. I'm in a job that I'm seriously over-qualified for, that I really only took because I was in a bind and didn't (at the time) have much choice. I don't make any effort to excel in my current position, primarily because there's no point. There's no chance of advancement here, or really in any law firm, when you're staff. You either become a lawyer, yourself, or you stay in the position you're in until you burn out and/or die. And if you're good at your position, that only solidifies your place there. If they like you where you are, you ain't going nowhere.
So here I sit for nine hours a day, not caring about what I'm doing. I have implemented a few procedural things designed to bring some semblance of organization into the mix. But the bottom line is, there's no real help for this operation. The wheels driving it were set in motion long before I ever got here, and they don't show any signs of changing direction until long after I'm gone. So any real effort on my part? Futile. A waste of energy. And I don't exactly have energy to spare at this point, so I just bide my time and collect my paycheck and do the bare minimum to get by.
Which could be contributing to my feelings of worthlessness, but I digress.
I can no longer manage my household. By the time I get home in the evening, dinner is hopefully already prepared (or in the latter stages of preparation) by my darling spouse, at my direction. I spend the next two hours participating in half-assed parenting, because honestly, how much "parenting" can one do in two hours? Most of the time I feel either like I'm just a body filling a space, or I'm trying too hard to make up for the fact I haven't been there all day. Whichever extreme I tend toward, it always feels like it's not enough.
And speaking of my household--my children are a mess. Well, one of them, anyway. I can't manage him because I can't control any of the major issues in his life--I can't change his environment during the day because I don't have time to research whether any alternatives are out there. (Even if there were, I doubt they would be specialized enough not to just be repeating the show on a different stage.) I can't change the amount of time he spends with his non-compliant father because I don't have the time or the money (or the emotional energy) to spend rehashing all this shit in court.
My actual house is a mess, too, because when the weekend rolls around, I want to spend it outside. At the pool, or the zoo, or sitting on my ass in front of bad tv or at the gym. Because it's summer, and we've likely only got another two months of summer weather before the soul-sucking fall and winter months hit again. And I don't intend to waste them scrubbing my toilets or dusting my end tables. Fuck that.
But like any high-functioning addict, I'm managing to do just enough to get by. I don't think I'm in any danger of losing my job due to my lackadaisical attitude. My children at least leave the house in clean clothes. Our bills get paid on time. And I've made an effort to plan Fun Family Activities for the summer months whether or not anyone actually enjoys them.
It just feels like I've completely lost control of my game, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
Now I'm panicking, because if the stars all align just right and the unthinkable happens and they actually (gasp) call me in for an interview, I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to sell myself as the right person for the job, because I feel like I'm doing a piss poor job of managing my own life at the moment.
Consider the facts. I get up every morning and (barely) manage to get the fat kid dressed and out the door with his father, and the skinny kid and myself out the door with our respective lunches and drugs and permission slips and things to mail and other accoutrements. That's about as good as it gets for the day, assuming we get to our respective places with almost everything intact. Once I get to work, my give-a-shit level sinks to an unprecedented low. I'm in a job that I'm seriously over-qualified for, that I really only took because I was in a bind and didn't (at the time) have much choice. I don't make any effort to excel in my current position, primarily because there's no point. There's no chance of advancement here, or really in any law firm, when you're staff. You either become a lawyer, yourself, or you stay in the position you're in until you burn out and/or die. And if you're good at your position, that only solidifies your place there. If they like you where you are, you ain't going nowhere.
So here I sit for nine hours a day, not caring about what I'm doing. I have implemented a few procedural things designed to bring some semblance of organization into the mix. But the bottom line is, there's no real help for this operation. The wheels driving it were set in motion long before I ever got here, and they don't show any signs of changing direction until long after I'm gone. So any real effort on my part? Futile. A waste of energy. And I don't exactly have energy to spare at this point, so I just bide my time and collect my paycheck and do the bare minimum to get by.
Which could be contributing to my feelings of worthlessness, but I digress.
I can no longer manage my household. By the time I get home in the evening, dinner is hopefully already prepared (or in the latter stages of preparation) by my darling spouse, at my direction. I spend the next two hours participating in half-assed parenting, because honestly, how much "parenting" can one do in two hours? Most of the time I feel either like I'm just a body filling a space, or I'm trying too hard to make up for the fact I haven't been there all day. Whichever extreme I tend toward, it always feels like it's not enough.
And speaking of my household--my children are a mess. Well, one of them, anyway. I can't manage him because I can't control any of the major issues in his life--I can't change his environment during the day because I don't have time to research whether any alternatives are out there. (Even if there were, I doubt they would be specialized enough not to just be repeating the show on a different stage.) I can't change the amount of time he spends with his non-compliant father because I don't have the time or the money (or the emotional energy) to spend rehashing all this shit in court.
My actual house is a mess, too, because when the weekend rolls around, I want to spend it outside. At the pool, or the zoo, or sitting on my ass in front of bad tv or at the gym. Because it's summer, and we've likely only got another two months of summer weather before the soul-sucking fall and winter months hit again. And I don't intend to waste them scrubbing my toilets or dusting my end tables. Fuck that.
But like any high-functioning addict, I'm managing to do just enough to get by. I don't think I'm in any danger of losing my job due to my lackadaisical attitude. My children at least leave the house in clean clothes. Our bills get paid on time. And I've made an effort to plan Fun Family Activities for the summer months whether or not anyone actually enjoys them.
It just feels like I've completely lost control of my game, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
posted by Mitzi Green at 2:29 PM
2 Comments:
I say, just go with the flow and you'll be fine. No use worrying about things you can't change. Housework? It'll keep. Enjoy life now...because it is over too soon.
I think a lot of working moms go through what you expressed in this post, but that doesn't make it any easier for you, I know.
I have a similar attitude about housework :) I'd rather do things with my girls (okay, and sometimes the hubby, too) than worry about cleaning.
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