Interview This

After much begging, Denise finally agreed to interview me. You can beg me to interview you, too. Here's the deal:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here goes:

1.) How did you meet Ben?

On the internet, believe it or not. I'd done the match dot your mom thing for a while and had met loser after loser after loser thanks to them. I finally decided if I was going to meet losers, I could do it for free, thanks, and started checking out plenty of fish dot com. There was this cute little fella on there who seemed like a royal smartass and someone I could have a lot of fun with, so I emailed him. And never got a response. About six months later, I found his profile again, so I emailed him again, and this time, he answered. I guess I sent my original email to a defunct email address (so he says) and he never got it. We agreed to meet in person one evening and the rest, as they say, is history.

2.) If you had to turn into an animal and be molested by a human...what animal would you be?

A cow. Cows are big, and slow, and stupid. Consider the insignificance of a human penis when you're the size of a cow. Consider how unlikely you are, given your relative stupidity, to even register you're being molested by a human. Consider being molested by a human kind of beats being a steak.

3.) How many different colors has your hair been and what colors were they?

Oh, wow. This is going to be hard. I've been blonde, red, "burgundy" (purple), pink (never bleach over burgundy), brown, black. So that would make 6. And every color in between.

4.) What's the very LAST thing you want to hear after sex?

"That'll be 50 bucks and by the way, I have crabs."

5.) What's the cruelest thing you have ever done to anyone?

Believe it or not, I'm not a very mean person. I talk a good game, but when it comes to action, well, most of the time I decide it's just not worth the bad karma. I've stolen some boyfriends (but they were more than willing to be stolen, so does that really count?), I've called some people names (sticks and stones, yo), and I left my ex-husband to pay off roughly $10k in debts I'd assumed in our divorce (he made 6 figures, I was a single mom supporting an infant and said infant's drug-addict father--you do the math). But I'm not sure I've ever deliberately done anything to hurt someone. Maybe I'm forgetting something.