Vent Extravaganza

I'm stressed as hell and I need to vent.

I finally find a good preschool, and get my son to a point in his mental state where he can actually function in it--and they fucking close ALL THE TIME. I got the calendar today--they close next Wednesday for "winter break" and don't reopen until the fucking 4th of January. Two fucking weeks that I have to figure out where El Nino will go during the fucking day. I'm so fucking tired of playing the "what to do with the kid" game I could fucking scream scream SCREAM.

I'm fucking sick of being broke. I have no fucking money to save myself for paying bills, paying doctors, paying attorneys, paying this, paying that. While my fuckstain ex gets to shop til he drops because he only has to shell out $240 a month in child support (which he has yet to pay this month) and only has to worry about feeding and entertaining his son 4 days out of a month. Fucker.

I fucking hate the holidays. Real life problems and situations don't disappear just because it's fucking December. So what--we're just all supposed to forget about all the shit in our lives just because everyone else is busy spending spending spending and baking and taking vacations? Fuck me.

I hate that the man I've been waiting for my entire life has a fucking job that keeps him away from home almost all the hours that I'm actually at home. And I hate that I can't just suck it up and be nonchalant about it.

I hate that I haven't had any time to myself to go out either alone or with my friends in at least two months.

I hate that I have to continue to play this fucking legal game with my son's father--Who Will The Judge Like Best? This game's loser doesn't get any lovely parting gifts.

I hate that it's fucking winter and it gets dark before I even fucking leave work for the day and once dinner's over, it's pretty much time to call it a goddamn day.

I hate that I'm going to have to spend all of my fucking vacation time this year taking days off for court and school closings. Honeymoon? Guess fucking not.

I hate that I went to college and still don't have enough fucking money to go buy some damned pants to wear to work because I threw away all my old ones because I lost 20 pounds and didn't think I'd ever allow myself to gain it back--but I did.

I hate being stuck in this fucking house every fucking night of the fucking week...alone...

I hate that I'm marrying the man that I want more than anything else in this world, but I can't really be happy about it, because I'm not 100% sure that he doesn't feel pressured into the arrangement.

I just want to take a fucking nap. Somebody wake me in May.