Where Are You, Warrick Brown?

Consider this my ode to the men of CSI.

There was a rerun on Wednesday night that featured a shirtless Nick Stokes in the locker room. Yes, I did rewind it and watch that scene about 4 times. Who can blame me? Hot.

And I admit a nerdish obsession with Gil Grissom. Hot hot.

Even little freaky Greg in the lab. Oh, wait--he's out of the lab, into the field as of last season. Hot hot hot.

But Warrick Brown--damn. Hot hot hot hot hot.

Okay...I'm over it now.

Until I watch the next rerun. God, I love DVR.

I need the distraction tonight. It's been a bad day all around. Ben called me after he picked up El Nino. It seems El Nino got in trouble twice today--once for hitting a baby, once for pushing a baby down Miss M's stairs.

Fuck me. Hard.

So I'd told El Nino what would happen if he was aggressive at Miss M's--he would go to bed immediately after dinner. And that's what happened.

What really bothers me is that he didn't seem at all upset about what he'd done, he seemed more upset that we knew about it. He told me all sorts of stuff, like "my daddy likes it when I hit" and "my daddy says mommy's sick." I don't know that I believe that, though I can certainly picture DB telling El Nino to misbehave at Miss M's. I'm sure he'd love to try to paint a picture of El Nino misbehaving when he spends more time with me.

But here's the reality--El Nino was with Ben and I with no contact from DB for 3 solid weeks, almost 4. In that time, he had very few problems at home and, even though he was suspended from preschool, he spent the first week at Miss M's without incident.

He spends one weekend with DB, and it's total reversal. Problems at home, problems at daycare.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

So tonight, since he was going to bed early, I had him call DB at 6pm instead of the 7pm DB insists on. What's the fucking difference in an hour, right? Anyway, I was listening to the call. El Nino pushed a button and hung up the phone accidentally. I redialed and DB lit into him with "why did you hang up? I want to talk to you." El Nino finally admitted to having been pushing buttons, so DB smartly dropped it. Then the following exchange:

EN: I want to come to your house tomorrow.
DB: I don't think that's gonna happen, Pumpkin.
EN: But my mommy will let me come to your house.
DB: Why don't you ask her right now?
EN: (to me) Can I go to daddy's house tomorrow?
Me: No, not tomorrow, but you'll see daddy real soon.
EN: My mommy said I can't come to your house tomorrow.
DB: Well, that wasn't very nice of her, was it?

At that point, I took the phone. El Nino didn't want to give it up and started to cry, but I wasn't going to let DB continue with his manipulative mind game bullshit. So I took the phone from my crying son and hung up. DB called back--twice--in spite of the fact he's not supposed to call me, period--and left a message:

"My phone time is at 7pm, not 6pm, so I'd better get a call at 7pm or my lawyer will hear about this and you will get a letter. If my son wants to talk to me, you let him talk to me. This is not acceptable."

Fuck you.

I don't know what to do. My son is obviously disturbed and faces getting kicked out of yet ANOTHER child care situation. Meanwhile, the law insists that I allow him regular contact with his father, who more than one person believes is largely responsible for his being disturbed.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

You have to heal the wound, but we insist you continue to cut through the stitches.

What the fuck is up with that shit?

I'm so ready to just give up and give in. Let him have him. Let him take care of everything from now on. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. But I can't give up my son. And Ben's already said he won't let me.

But what am I going to do? Run away to another state? Quit working so I can stay home with my kid and try to heal him?

Yeah, and then I'm charged with kidnapping. And I go completely broke.

It would be so much easier to just hand him off, to say "here, go for it, you broke it, you fix it." But then El Nino loses. And I lose, because I lose my only child.

But the alternative is continuing to fight a losing battle. A battle in which my son never gets better, never improves, and continues to be a source of pain for me and everyone in my life--Ben, our future family. And so does DB.

I have to fight. I have to fight for myself, for my son, for all the other women out there who have tried to leave an abusive relationship and find themselves thinking "it's not worth it."

But is it?