Things I Never Want to Hear Again

"No baby yet?"
Do you see me sitting here, asshole? Do I look 30 pounds lighter? No? There's your answer.

"Wow, you're huge!"
Thanks! You're ugly!

"He'll come when he's ready."
Fuck him. He has no rights until he's 18. I say he's ready now.

"It's not even your due date; don't worry, you're close."
"Close" never won anyone a World Series. "Close" never got anyone the job they wanted.

"They're all born eventually, you know."
Obviously you didn't see last week's World News Weekly with the cover story about the lady with the fetus who just got accepted to Brown for the fall semester.

"All these sleepless nights are just preparing you for when the baby comes."
Hmmm...I can shove my husband out of bed to feed a crying baby; I cannot make him suffer all the phony contractions and hot flashes and/or make him get up to pee for me 30 times in a 6-hour period. I fail to see the similarity. Perhaps I'm missing something.

(While passing me in a hall) "I guess you've got the right of way, huh?"
Yes, and while you're at it, why don't you just hand over your wallet and the keys to your car?

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."
Thanks. Come here and let's see which one this big stick does for you.