Latest Obsessions
In no particular order:
1. Money. Who doesn't obsess over it? I haven't for a while, but now the shit is starting to hit the proverbial fan. Ben may be almost completely recovered from his little broken arm incident, but the medical bills from said incident are just starting to trickle in, and I'm not sure how we're going to pay them. I'm down to a surprisingly low amount on my retainer with my attorney, and if I'm going to have to spend a lot of my fearless lawyer's time answering bullshit motions that db decides to file now that he has (probably) free representation, it's going to be gone pretty quickly, at which point I'll have to start using credit cards and our line of credit, which I don't want to have to do, because I've done very well at getting those cards almost paid off. And now that db has decided not to pay child support, the extra money just isn't there. Not that we need his cash, but if I have to fight the fact he's a jackass, it seems only fair I should be getting some financial assistance from him.
2. Kindergarten. This isn't for another year, but I'm already freaking out about it. I want to keep Bob in his current preschool forever. I don't care if he'd be the oldest living preschooler on record, I like it there. The teachers know us. They know Bob. They've been beyond willing to work with us to afford Bob some success. And it's benefited all of us (well, maybe not db, but who gives a fuck) in more ways than are imaginable. I can't fathom going to a new school district--a public school, where there are so many kids and so few teachers and so little parent involvement that the administration could give a shit less about what the kids have been through, or what their parents are like, or what it's like for them at home. All they're going to do, I'm afraid, is look at Bob's information and see that he's been on medication for anxiety and immediately label him, and he'll never live down the first few complicated years of his life. I'm also fearful that he won't have outgrown his behavior issues by then, and I'll spend more time in the principal's office his first year than I did between 1977 and 1990.
3. The State of Bob and Things to Come. Bob is actually doing very well without db. That's what concerns me. He doesn't want to talk to db, and he no longer says anything about wanting to go see him. So how will he be affected when a judge finally allows db some sort of visitation? I'm going to push like hell for supervised visitation, but will it really make much difference given the length of time that's going to pass between now and then? I've truly been tempted today to attempt some sort of dialogue with db in an effort to work out some arrangement, but I know in my heart (and head) it would be a futile effort. Anything I throw out, he'll only use as a way to fight with me. And all I can do is worry about the day when Bob is eventually forced into a visitation scenario with db, and how he will handle it when it happens.
4. My Marriage. There's nothing wrong, but I can't stop worrying about whether things are "good enough" and whether I'm doing enough to keep them that way. It's absurd. But where would I be if I weren't worrying about something that hasn't even happened? I just love that man so damned much, and I'm so grateful for all that he's done for me since I've known him, but I so often feel like I've got so much crap going on in my head that I can't be enough for him and eventually he'll figure that out and split. I don't think normal people think like this.
3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the f is wrong with me?
1. Money. Who doesn't obsess over it? I haven't for a while, but now the shit is starting to hit the proverbial fan. Ben may be almost completely recovered from his little broken arm incident, but the medical bills from said incident are just starting to trickle in, and I'm not sure how we're going to pay them. I'm down to a surprisingly low amount on my retainer with my attorney, and if I'm going to have to spend a lot of my fearless lawyer's time answering bullshit motions that db decides to file now that he has (probably) free representation, it's going to be gone pretty quickly, at which point I'll have to start using credit cards and our line of credit, which I don't want to have to do, because I've done very well at getting those cards almost paid off. And now that db has decided not to pay child support, the extra money just isn't there. Not that we need his cash, but if I have to fight the fact he's a jackass, it seems only fair I should be getting some financial assistance from him.
2. Kindergarten. This isn't for another year, but I'm already freaking out about it. I want to keep Bob in his current preschool forever. I don't care if he'd be the oldest living preschooler on record, I like it there. The teachers know us. They know Bob. They've been beyond willing to work with us to afford Bob some success. And it's benefited all of us (well, maybe not db, but who gives a fuck) in more ways than are imaginable. I can't fathom going to a new school district--a public school, where there are so many kids and so few teachers and so little parent involvement that the administration could give a shit less about what the kids have been through, or what their parents are like, or what it's like for them at home. All they're going to do, I'm afraid, is look at Bob's information and see that he's been on medication for anxiety and immediately label him, and he'll never live down the first few complicated years of his life. I'm also fearful that he won't have outgrown his behavior issues by then, and I'll spend more time in the principal's office his first year than I did between 1977 and 1990.
3. The State of Bob and Things to Come. Bob is actually doing very well without db. That's what concerns me. He doesn't want to talk to db, and he no longer says anything about wanting to go see him. So how will he be affected when a judge finally allows db some sort of visitation? I'm going to push like hell for supervised visitation, but will it really make much difference given the length of time that's going to pass between now and then? I've truly been tempted today to attempt some sort of dialogue with db in an effort to work out some arrangement, but I know in my heart (and head) it would be a futile effort. Anything I throw out, he'll only use as a way to fight with me. And all I can do is worry about the day when Bob is eventually forced into a visitation scenario with db, and how he will handle it when it happens.
4. My Marriage. There's nothing wrong, but I can't stop worrying about whether things are "good enough" and whether I'm doing enough to keep them that way. It's absurd. But where would I be if I weren't worrying about something that hasn't even happened? I just love that man so damned much, and I'm so grateful for all that he's done for me since I've known him, but I so often feel like I've got so much crap going on in my head that I can't be enough for him and eventually he'll figure that out and split. I don't think normal people think like this.
3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the f is wrong with me?
posted by Mitzi Green at 10:58 AM
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