Of Moms and Men
My mother drives me nuckin' futs. Which is why I typically try to get her in small doses. A visit a month (or less) is my standard rule, but for some reason, we've had several occasions for visiting lately. Last weekend was Father's Day. This weekend was my sister-in-law's birthday, and she and my brother had us all over for food and cake.
I should have known it was going to be one of those days when my parents arrived with my 18-month-old niece. Upon further questioning, it came out that my sister is at the lake with some friends for the weekend, and her useless husband was spending the day riding his dirtbike with his buddies. (Gee, I remember about 13 years ago being chastised by mumsy for going out for coffee with a female friend for an hour and a half because I did so without my husband, heaven forbid. But I digress.) I also noticed my mother making an awful lot of comments to my SIL and brother about "when you have a baby." I finally told her not to rush them, and she piped up with "they're trying!"
My brother is 24 and his wife just turned 24. They just got married last October, and are barely out of college and getting to a point where they can have some fun as a couple. It seems very soon for them to start popping out mouths to feed, and I said so.
Prompting dear old mom to say, "well, you just don't want any more kids, but that doesn't mean other people don't want kids!"
Oh, old woman...you really picked a bad weekend to piss me off. But all I said was "whatever. Go ahead, have lots of babies and then you can complain about it for the rest of your lives." (Not-so-subtle slam on mumsy, which probably went over her head, because she didn't toss anything back, and it's not like her not to shoot for the last word.)
I don't, never have, and probably never will understand my mother. I know enough about human character, and have been able to observe her from a distance enough, to understand why she does the things she does. It pretty much boils down to insecurity--she feels inferior and has to tear everyone else down in order to feel adequate. The whole weight issue, for example. My husband looks great, and doesn't need to lose another pound, and has done a great job--but I'm just following some silly diet that is just like every other diet out there, and my four pounds are nothing. In other words, my husband is male and unrelated and therefore, no competition for her. But I'm female and relative, so I can't possibly one-up her by sticking to a diet program and actually achieving a goal she can't seem to attain.
But just because I understand her motives doesn't mean I can fathom how she can continue to use them to alienate her adult children one by one. My other sister (who had both her own kids in tow) is obviously making her distance. (Actually, it seems both my sisters' relationships with my mother depend on how much she's willing to do for them individually at the time, like watch their kids. And I ain't hatin' on them for that, because lord knows, after not getting squat from my parents for much of my life, when they offer up the cash, I take it.)
My sister and I were talking about how we hope we don't become our mother (and my sister's lament that she already has). I don't think I am, and I don't think I ever will. Primarily because my mother and I have always been cut from cloth at opposite ends of the fabric store. But also because I don't think it would take long for me to figure out the damage I was doing--to myself.
What strikes me is how similar my mother is to that other person I can't seem to get out of my life--and she'd kill me for saying this--db. They're both self-absorbed, they both have no self-esteem, and they both get their jollies from making other people feel bad about themselves. And I fell for it with both of them.
Maybe that's why Ben is always pissed at me in my dreams. Attempting the impossible task of getting back in someone's non-existant good graces is the only way I really know to relate to people.
I should have known it was going to be one of those days when my parents arrived with my 18-month-old niece. Upon further questioning, it came out that my sister is at the lake with some friends for the weekend, and her useless husband was spending the day riding his dirtbike with his buddies. (Gee, I remember about 13 years ago being chastised by mumsy for going out for coffee with a female friend for an hour and a half because I did so without my husband, heaven forbid. But I digress.) I also noticed my mother making an awful lot of comments to my SIL and brother about "when you have a baby." I finally told her not to rush them, and she piped up with "they're trying!"
My brother is 24 and his wife just turned 24. They just got married last October, and are barely out of college and getting to a point where they can have some fun as a couple. It seems very soon for them to start popping out mouths to feed, and I said so.
Prompting dear old mom to say, "well, you just don't want any more kids, but that doesn't mean other people don't want kids!"
Oh, old woman...you really picked a bad weekend to piss me off. But all I said was "whatever. Go ahead, have lots of babies and then you can complain about it for the rest of your lives." (Not-so-subtle slam on mumsy, which probably went over her head, because she didn't toss anything back, and it's not like her not to shoot for the last word.)
I don't, never have, and probably never will understand my mother. I know enough about human character, and have been able to observe her from a distance enough, to understand why she does the things she does. It pretty much boils down to insecurity--she feels inferior and has to tear everyone else down in order to feel adequate. The whole weight issue, for example. My husband looks great, and doesn't need to lose another pound, and has done a great job--but I'm just following some silly diet that is just like every other diet out there, and my four pounds are nothing. In other words, my husband is male and unrelated and therefore, no competition for her. But I'm female and relative, so I can't possibly one-up her by sticking to a diet program and actually achieving a goal she can't seem to attain.
But just because I understand her motives doesn't mean I can fathom how she can continue to use them to alienate her adult children one by one. My other sister (who had both her own kids in tow) is obviously making her distance. (Actually, it seems both my sisters' relationships with my mother depend on how much she's willing to do for them individually at the time, like watch their kids. And I ain't hatin' on them for that, because lord knows, after not getting squat from my parents for much of my life, when they offer up the cash, I take it.)
My sister and I were talking about how we hope we don't become our mother (and my sister's lament that she already has). I don't think I am, and I don't think I ever will. Primarily because my mother and I have always been cut from cloth at opposite ends of the fabric store. But also because I don't think it would take long for me to figure out the damage I was doing--to myself.
What strikes me is how similar my mother is to that other person I can't seem to get out of my life--and she'd kill me for saying this--db. They're both self-absorbed, they both have no self-esteem, and they both get their jollies from making other people feel bad about themselves. And I fell for it with both of them.
Maybe that's why Ben is always pissed at me in my dreams. Attempting the impossible task of getting back in someone's non-existant good graces is the only way I really know to relate to people.
posted by Mitzi Green at 7:12 AM
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