Yogurt, Yo
Ben told me last week (or maybe the week before, I don't remember) that I seemed to be happier when we first met than I am now. That has stuck in my craw ever since, along with his admission that he tenses up when he hears my car in the driveway every evening, wondering "is today a good day or a bad day?" That sucks. I don't want him to feel that way about me. That's not the person I am, not the person I want to be.
I've let it all get to me way too much, for way too long. It's time to accept, deal and move on. Which means I have to start thinking a lot more often and reacting less.
Like Saturday--late afternoon, we're almost home from the grocery store, and he says to me, "my mom called, she's having people over for Mother's Day tomorrow afternoon."
Um...so?
"Well, we kind of have to be there."
Um...I'd rather not.
Bear in mind, I have nothing against his family, but damn, that's NOT how I intended to spend mother's day. I don't even celebrate MD and I'm a mother. I think it's stupid. I also think being expected to drive all the way out to his parents' house when he was just out there a week ago is unnecessary.
Most of all, I was furious that I was being expected to just give up a whole damn Sunday for what I considered no good reason. His argument that we haven't been to a family function since we got married was lost on me (aside from Easter, which we spent with my parents, there haven't been any that I'm aware of). I was more pissed off about it being sprung on me less than 24 hours before. I also resented not being able to say "no." I told him I'm tired of feeling so obligated to everyone else all the time, and that's the truth. But I was so pissed, and I just couldn't pinpoint the exact reason I was so pissed. I didn't want to go. But why didn't I want to go? I guess that wasn't the point. I could have gone and survived, but it was the whole principal. Like I explained to him after I took a long walk--he really put me in a corner. Either I went when I didn't want to and was unhappy, or I said NO and then he'd be pissed and I'd be unhappy. So either way, I'd lose. He ended up telling me he was sorry and it was okay, he didn't know if he was going to go, either.
Then we went out later that night and got shitfaced and ended up spending Sunday hung-over. So it was a moot point.
But I'm just starting to feel like I'm no fun, I'm reclusive, I just want to hide most of the time. The recent weather isn't helping. Here it is mid-May, and we can't break 70 degrees. Every day it's cloudy as hell and windy as fuck. Not exactly conducive to joy.
But I need to find some. Soon. I don't want to lose my marriage over this. And I'm not sure how long Ben can put up with me being so damned unpleasant.
I've let it all get to me way too much, for way too long. It's time to accept, deal and move on. Which means I have to start thinking a lot more often and reacting less.
Like Saturday--late afternoon, we're almost home from the grocery store, and he says to me, "my mom called, she's having people over for Mother's Day tomorrow afternoon."
Um...so?
"Well, we kind of have to be there."
Um...I'd rather not.
Bear in mind, I have nothing against his family, but damn, that's NOT how I intended to spend mother's day. I don't even celebrate MD and I'm a mother. I think it's stupid. I also think being expected to drive all the way out to his parents' house when he was just out there a week ago is unnecessary.
Most of all, I was furious that I was being expected to just give up a whole damn Sunday for what I considered no good reason. His argument that we haven't been to a family function since we got married was lost on me (aside from Easter, which we spent with my parents, there haven't been any that I'm aware of). I was more pissed off about it being sprung on me less than 24 hours before. I also resented not being able to say "no." I told him I'm tired of feeling so obligated to everyone else all the time, and that's the truth. But I was so pissed, and I just couldn't pinpoint the exact reason I was so pissed. I didn't want to go. But why didn't I want to go? I guess that wasn't the point. I could have gone and survived, but it was the whole principal. Like I explained to him after I took a long walk--he really put me in a corner. Either I went when I didn't want to and was unhappy, or I said NO and then he'd be pissed and I'd be unhappy. So either way, I'd lose. He ended up telling me he was sorry and it was okay, he didn't know if he was going to go, either.
Then we went out later that night and got shitfaced and ended up spending Sunday hung-over. So it was a moot point.
But I'm just starting to feel like I'm no fun, I'm reclusive, I just want to hide most of the time. The recent weather isn't helping. Here it is mid-May, and we can't break 70 degrees. Every day it's cloudy as hell and windy as fuck. Not exactly conducive to joy.
But I need to find some. Soon. I don't want to lose my marriage over this. And I'm not sure how long Ben can put up with me being so damned unpleasant.
posted by Mitzi Green at 9:39 AM
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